Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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