I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
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You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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