My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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