Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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