I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
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just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
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We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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