So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
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Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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