I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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