I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just had sex on a roof
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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