I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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