Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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