There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
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Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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