just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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