8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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