remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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