just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
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He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
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How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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