For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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