Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
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He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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