life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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