the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
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Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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