I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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