i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
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The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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