So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize