i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
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You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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