I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize