Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
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Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
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After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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