His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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