dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
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Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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