you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
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Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
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Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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