Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
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I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
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As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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