I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize