I wanna bring you to show and tell
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
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You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
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Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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