Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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