I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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