I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize