I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
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I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
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I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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