I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize