sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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