Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
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There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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