You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize