I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
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Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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