I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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