Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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