Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
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Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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