i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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