I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
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Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
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Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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