it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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