A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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