You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
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currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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