i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
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Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
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I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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