Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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